Stronger.

Phewww. The last few months have been a time for me to reflect, grow and learn in every aspect of my life. But man, have they been hard. The dynamics of every relationship I have with all my friends and family has changed drastically and some hard conversations have had to happen to make things right again. On top of this, we lost our precious Arlynne, a beautiful woman of God who inspired not only me but many others. To say the least, I think I have had to fully give everything I have, everything I am, all of me to God to make it through. It's been harder than almost any other period in my life that I can think of but I know that although I had my doubts, He has never left my side. I was reminded yesterday at Arlynne's funeral service by the song "Yet, I will praise You."

I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my brokenness
I will praise You Lord
I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my desperation
I will praise You Lord

And I can't understand
All that You allow
I just can't see the reason
But my life is in Your hands
And though I cannot see You
I choose to trust You

Even when my heart is torn I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even when I feel deserted I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even in my darkest valley I will praise (trust) You Lord
And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord

I will trust You Lord my God
Even in my loneliness
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord my God
Even when I cannot hear You
I will trust You Lord

And I will not forget
That You hung on a cross
Lord You bled and died for me
And if I have to suffer
I know that You've been there

And I know that You're here now

 

Every single word seems completely applicable. I realize that although there have been many times where I have felt like I couldn't make it through the dark nights, where the loneliness has seemed unbearable, God has been right there, by my side and I HAVE gotten through it, because of His strength in me. I am beginning to build on my relationship with Him more and more every day and learning about Him in every opportunity. I want to be the best version of myself, I want to fill whatever void inside of me with His love, His mercy and grace. And the only way to do this is if I focus my life 100% on studying His word, on craving to know Him more and more.

Cold December Snow in the Warm July Sun.

I've been feeling so low the last week. And it's frustrating because it's summer and  I should be out having fun, getting tanned, living it up ! There's been too much sadness in the last little while and it's not right. All I feel like doing is lying in bed and listening to the new City and Colour album. I'm feeling almost...angry that my friend's Dad passed away. To see the overwhelming sadness in his eyes kills me. To know there is nothing anyone can do hurts me. I know it has to be his own healing process, in his own time but I'm so angry that he even has to go through any of this at all ! Other close friends are dealing with sickness, sickness that shouldn't even be there...and all I can feel is rage that it would happen to him. I suppose I'm just very emotional and down myself so everything is getting to me but I'm beginning to lose faith in the fact that it will get better. I'm trying to keep busy and even trying to help people who are dealing with their own problems so I can forget mine for a while but I feel like their stresses are becoming mine. I just want to hibernate until the cold and the sadness is gone away.

mending...

it's late and my head is spinning with a million thoughts. each day i get a little bit stronger, each day i realize everything that happened was for the best but, each day i miss it a little bit more. the same thought keeps coming back, its a thought i have to repeat to myself over and over, remind myself of it every time i look in the mirror. the thought? i am strong enough. in doing this, i've never had a chance to be weak, to let myself go because of this statement that keeps me on track. but, i'm realizing that part of the healing process is to be weak, to be completely vulnerable. i see the girl i want to be, she's waiting at the end of the tunnel, she's waving her arms in the air, yelling, screaming that i will make it there. and i'm fighting to get there, i'm pushing my insecurities and my fears aside and running towards her. but, all i am doing is pushing the fears aside, i am not destroying them. so as i pass them, they begin to come together and follow me. each time i push an insecurity aside, it joins with another fear of mine and follows me in every step of the journey. i need to go back and destroy each one of them. obliterate it completely out of my life and only then can i continue on and deal with the next thing. the more and more that i do this, the closer and closer i get to the end, the closer i get to the girl i want to be. i need a new thought to occupy my mind. i need to always remember that yes, i am strong enough, but i also need to be weak sometimes and deal with the things i haven't dealt with in order to be the best version of myself. the smiling, happy, joyful girl at the end of that tunnel.

Change of Heart

Today was a really great day. I've been coming to a new realization about myself, about my relationships with people and God and about some really great life choices/opportunities that I now can see in front of me. The last few weeks I have come to the understanding that there is SO much more God wants to do with me, I was MADE for more. After listening to some fantastic sermons by Steven Furtick on relationships, I've also began to comprehend how relationships are supposed to work and the kind of relationships (especially romantic relationships) are meant to be, how God envisioned them. The main points that really drove into my soul were :
1. You can be completely in love with someone even if you are completely incompatible. This meaning, you can feel 100% infatuated with a person, even 'in love' but you can still disagree on the core values of your soul which would make your compatibility a lot lower. It's hard to see past the 'love' and begin to understand all the things that make you the wrong fit for someone but I've really started to see that in the last couple of days.
2. If a woman has to pursue a man, it's wrong ! There are so many times when I think back to my past relationships in which I have pursued the guy and it has not worked out. In one of the sermons, Steven said that ' as soon as a man stops pursuing his wife, the marriage is over '. I really believe that the man God has set out for me will completely, 100% pursue me, in every way possible, I will not have to do any of the chasing, whatsoever. I don't think that this is something God envisioned, the idea of a woman pursuing a man.
3. I'm SO young ! This point was not made by Steven Furtick but just a realization that has (finally) set in ! There is so many doors that are wide open in front of me right now, I have so many options, so many roads I can take and I'm going to live the dreams I've always had by taking these opportunities that God is setting out for me. Although my whole being has been flipped upside down in the last few months, I am finally, but slowly, beginning to see that this 'flipping', flipped me to my good side ! I am so incredibly excited to see where I go from here, to see where God leads me. I've also been praying about going to New Orleans this summer, I'm getting a really strong sense from God that that is where He wants to lead me next and the doors just keep opening ! I'm still obviously not for sure, still praying, toying it over but I really think it would be an insane summer and a wonderful opportunity if I could spend my summer there. Anyway, just needed to write everything that's been going on somewhere and this seemed like the perfect place ! Night ! :)

Different Continent, Different Country...

So, I arrived home from Ireland on Thursday night at around ten p.m. My flight was alright, got delayed in Montreal for a few hours which wasn't too fun ! I don't know why but I was super emotional on the way home, the old lady beside me kept asking me if I was okay ! Anyway, so Friday morning, Jessy and I began our journey to Copperhill, Tennessee for a week-long training camp to teach us how to successfully lead a missions trip. We took our time, stopped at a few fun places ( the original KFC!) and stayed over night in Mason, Ohio. We finally arrived here after getting lost in the Tennessee mountains for an hour at about 6pm (on Saturday). I'm kind of weary and feel slightly uncomfortable right now as the way in which the other people here worship and praise God threw me off guard and I'm still trying to process it. It was very different to what I am used to. Many people were yelling, screaming even, throwing their hands in the air, moving every part of their body in the way that they worshipped. I felt like I wasn't even participating in the service and that Jessy and I ( and a couple of other people who came with us from my church) looked like the odd ones out if you were to look around. And, we were in a room of about 200 people ! We then went into a room with people who were there for the same reason as us, to lead trips which felt a little bit more comfortable. We talked about the opportunities available for us with the organization and then separated into small groups to talk about our experience with missions and what not. That part was very chill and felt very easy-going. It was nice to get to know people on a more personal basis as opposed to sitting with the one person I know at a table in the midst of 200 other people ! One thing i do NOT like is the amount of bugs here ! Yuck ! There is so many bugs, I think they are flying cockroaches and I'm very nervous to go to bed tonight ! Anyway, I suppose this is the beginning of another new adventure, we'll see where it takes me !

If I wander till I die, may I know who's hand I'm in...

It's been a while since I have posted anything on here! It's 3am and I cannot sleep...so sometimes emptying your mind of all your thoughts can help and I can't find my journal :\ I heard that when you can't sleep you should lie down, close your eyes and picture a mailbox. And as you picture that mailbox, take each individual thought that is in your head and put it in the mailbox and eventually you will fall asleep. Haven't tried it yet but maybe I should and I could avoid these 3am awakenings ! Two more days until I get on a plane back to Canada. It has been a couple of the most refreshing weeks I have experienced in a while! I'll be sad to leave it behind, just something about me being here feels kind of normal. Not normal enough to want to stay for good, but normal right now. But I don't want to feel normal ! I remember hearing someone say 'God works best when we are uncomfortable'. And I think that He wants to work in me in that way. I think I need to travel, to meet new people, to feel afraid and alone, to have to completely trust in Him alone. I've lived such a comfortable life for so long, especially the last year and a half. Nothing has changed. I've had the same friends, never really trying to meet anyone new. I've done the same things at church, gone to the same places over and over. Everything has been so safe ! And I haven't really budged in my relationship with God. I feel like I need to meet new people, in new places and I will begin to grow massively in all areas of my life. It's such a scary thought but I really want to make that my goal right now. One of my biggest fears is to be alone, to leave the people who make me feel 'safe' behind. It's absolutely terrifying to me but I've learned in the last month (very slowly) that when things change, when the people that once made you feel safe don't anymore, when the 'sames' in life are now gone that I can survive ! It's hard yes, but it's not impossible ! I feel like a stronger person, like I can accomplish more. I don't have to be afraid. I remember singing a really old hymn back in the day which said 'Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me and I will give you rest'. It's funny how relevant those words seem now...I never would have dreamed a few months ago that I would be so afraid to live my life because everything in it was solid, there was no change, I didn't need to be scared. But now, I know God has some crazy things planned for my life, He placed some crazy desires into my heart a long time ago and now, I'm finally beginning to live out those desires and I am VERY afraid. But I know He will go before me, always and He will give me rest through it.

I'm not too sure that home is a place you can get to by train...

It's so odd, while I am here in Ireland, whenever I've talked about Canada I've said 'Well at home...' but while I'm in Canada and I talk about Ireland, I still say 'Well at home...'. I guess parts of both countries make me feel like they are 'home'. The culture, the small-town and the years I lived in Ireland will always make it a place where I feel comfortable and at peace but on the other-hand, my house, friends, family and church are all in Canada. I guess, physically Canada is my home and emotionally, it's Ireland.
But, even in both of these places, there is always some form of conflict, some new drama, whether it be me, or a friend and that makes something about them feel weird to me.
I guess the only place I can truly feel at home, truly feel loved, truly feel that I have everything I need in the world is with God. And His home is where I feel emotionally right, spiritually okay and one day physically 'home'. So as the title of this, from Jon Foreman's 'Southbound Train' says 'I'm not sure home is a place you can get to by train'. It's a place where I can be 100% myself, be real and genuine all the time and never feel any uneasiness while being there. I think this is a place that I drift in and out of lots, but when I am there, nothing is impossible. I believe this trip will help me realize more and more that the only 'home' I really need to stay in forever, is His.
On another note, I dyed my hair blonde today, new hair to match my new beginning ! (Mom, if you're reading this I swear it looks great, I'll send you a picture soon!) 2 weeks left here...but NOT counting. Ciao !