Cold December Snow in the Warm July Sun.

I've been feeling so low the last week. And it's frustrating because it's summer and  I should be out having fun, getting tanned, living it up ! There's been too much sadness in the last little while and it's not right. All I feel like doing is lying in bed and listening to the new City and Colour album. I'm feeling almost...angry that my friend's Dad passed away. To see the overwhelming sadness in his eyes kills me. To know there is nothing anyone can do hurts me. I know it has to be his own healing process, in his own time but I'm so angry that he even has to go through any of this at all ! Other close friends are dealing with sickness, sickness that shouldn't even be there...and all I can feel is rage that it would happen to him. I suppose I'm just very emotional and down myself so everything is getting to me but I'm beginning to lose faith in the fact that it will get better. I'm trying to keep busy and even trying to help people who are dealing with their own problems so I can forget mine for a while but I feel like their stresses are becoming mine. I just want to hibernate until the cold and the sadness is gone away.

mending...

it's late and my head is spinning with a million thoughts. each day i get a little bit stronger, each day i realize everything that happened was for the best but, each day i miss it a little bit more. the same thought keeps coming back, its a thought i have to repeat to myself over and over, remind myself of it every time i look in the mirror. the thought? i am strong enough. in doing this, i've never had a chance to be weak, to let myself go because of this statement that keeps me on track. but, i'm realizing that part of the healing process is to be weak, to be completely vulnerable. i see the girl i want to be, she's waiting at the end of the tunnel, she's waving her arms in the air, yelling, screaming that i will make it there. and i'm fighting to get there, i'm pushing my insecurities and my fears aside and running towards her. but, all i am doing is pushing the fears aside, i am not destroying them. so as i pass them, they begin to come together and follow me. each time i push an insecurity aside, it joins with another fear of mine and follows me in every step of the journey. i need to go back and destroy each one of them. obliterate it completely out of my life and only then can i continue on and deal with the next thing. the more and more that i do this, the closer and closer i get to the end, the closer i get to the girl i want to be. i need a new thought to occupy my mind. i need to always remember that yes, i am strong enough, but i also need to be weak sometimes and deal with the things i haven't dealt with in order to be the best version of myself. the smiling, happy, joyful girl at the end of that tunnel.